Dragonfire: "Why is everyone 'round here so preoccupied with metaphysics?"

BBC - Doctor Who Classic Episode Guide - Dragonfire - Index

Season 24, Story 4 (Overall Series Story #147) | Previous - Next | Index

Stories where a companion leaves or joins are the kind of milestones I feel like I should be up on, if I'm going to call myself a proper fan. Problem with this one is, it's Mel leaving and Ace joining -- so that means no feeling about the one leaving except good riddance, and the one joining is the most poorly conceived, (and with apologies to Sophie Aldred) the most excruciatingly acted companion in the history of the show.

Let's consider Ace, just for a moment. Her backstory is this:  she was a teen with an intense interest in explosives who blew up part of her school as an artistic statement and carries homemade canisters of explosives around with her; she seems to be confused about whether she was an orphan, or just had parents she didn't like because they named her Dorothy. Why did the writers giver her the birth name Dorothy? Because she arrived on a futuristic prison planet turned shopping mall in the distant future by setting off an explosion on 20th century Earth that got her caught up in a time storm. A tribute to The Wizard of Oz, get it?  ~groan~

There is so much wrong with the idea of the story ... "let's exile this super-criminal to a planet that's hospitable to him on the dark side, and inhospitable, even lethal to him on the other, but leave a power source he can use to escape where he can get at it on the hospitable side," and that's just the beginning of the trouble. There's an act of mass murder that is tossed in ... just because? And apart from one reaction shot of a shady character watching his spaceship explode, nobody notices or cares the rest of the show? Kane, our super-villain kills himself in an excessively grotesque fashion at the end because the planet he intends to destroy is already destroyed. Shouldn't someone so driven by the thought of revenge, living on a planet where visitors come and go be aware that the planet he wants revenge on has already been consumed by a supernova? But, "Wait," you say, "I thought this was a prison planet?" It is. Just go with it. Because.

"Already destroyed?! I guess I'll
melt my face off. Kane, out."

The Sylvester McCoy era is, to my mind, a series of slaps to the face of the show's audience, and largely an act of desecration of a well-loved series. I can only surmise that John Nathan-Turner had a deep resentment for either one of, or all of, the BBC, the show itself, and fandom. There's no other explanation that can account for the "cliff hanger" where the writers have the Doctor gaze down an icy chasm, then climb over a rail, hook his umbrella on it, and proceed to climb down the umbrella, start to lose his grip, and find himself about to perish for no discernible reason. They show us a shot of McCoy looking down, his hands slipping, about to plummet to his death ... and then to solve the entirely self-inflicted crisis, which made the Doctor look like a complete idiot, the writers and production team do this: they have a character that was standing up where the Doctor descended from appear below the Doctor, without showing how he got there, on a ledge that wasn't there before, to lower him down. What. The. Fuck.

Just let go and put us all out of our misery.

I don't think I ever felt so personally insulted watching a TV show before. To write and perform something like that strikes me as an expression of contempt for the character performing the action and, worse, for the viewer. If I were an executive at the BBC back when this story was made, I would have fired the entire production team, cast, and crew on the spot. It's a amazing to me the show continued to be broadcast beyond that point.

(And, yes, I've considered the possibility the stupidity of this cliffhanger is a commentary on the stupidity of cliffhangers in general as an element of serialized television. If meant to criticize the audience that wants cliffhangers, then it's mean-spirited. If meant to criticize a bureaucracy that required a cliffhanger, then it's the airing of dirty laundry at the expense of the fans and inexcusable. If the thought was, "Oh, fans will enjoy an irrational mess as a commentary on the cruel and arbitrary restrictions placed on artistes such as ourselves!" then it was terrible artistic judgment. But, out there, in internetlandia, I imagine there are some fans who consider this kind of stuff a masochistic delight. Well, if so, then you're welcome to it. But ask yourselves, is that really what Doctor Who is? A masochistic exercise in tedious irrationality for children and adults to learn about post-modern critical theory?  If your answer to that is yes, then we must agree to disagree. Probably about everything. Ever.)

You want to know what really gets me fired up though? This isn't even the worst show of the McCoy era. I can't even give it the lowest grade because I need to leave room for the depths to which it continued to descend. Injury upon insult, all the philosophical babble loaded into the script, I have a sneaking suspicion it was a bunch of pretentious, failed philosophy majors perpetrating this mess. In any event, they give the whole enterprise a bad name by their malevolent incompetence.

Burying this review at the end of 2012 instead of leading off 2013 on such a down note.

Attack of the Cybermen: "I don't think I've ever misjudged anybody quite as badly ..."

BBC - Doctor Who Classic Episode Guide - Attack of the Cybermen - Index

Season 22, Story 1 (Overall Series Story #138) | Previous - Next | Index

There's a lot not to like about the last several years of Doctor Who, so I approached this Colin Baker era story -- one that I could only vaguely recall seeing when it first aired in the U.S. -- with trepidation.  As it geared up though, I quickly found myself sucked in and thoroughly enjoying it ... harsh lighting, garish colors, and cheesy incidental music notwithstanding.

I grew up with Tom Baker; Peter Davison was my first "new" Doctor and, as a result, took a little getting used to at the start, but I did, and remain fond of him to this day. Colin Baker's first story, The Twin Dilemma, did not sit well with me when it first aired, and I'm not sure when I'll get around to seeing it again. I remember it being terrible. However, I liked him in this story more than I thought I would. He's arrogant and brash, but there's just enough humility in his admission to Peri early in the episode (after being reminded that he's been calling her the names of several past companions, and one villain) that his slips of the tongue may be an indication that his regeneration has resulted in some slips of the mind as well.

Six blasting away.

Baker also brings a little more physicality to the role, here taking some swipes from Cybermen and rolling around on the floor firing a blaster at them. He's more rough and tumble than that awful costume of his would have you believe. And he's got great support in this story: Lytton and his crew of would-be diamond robbers are worthy of a self-respecting heist movie in their own right; Peri is, well, if not the loveliest of the companions to that point, certainly in the running, and Nicola Bryant plays her with such endearing vulnerability it's impossible not to sympathize with her frustration at the behavior of her erratic new Doctor; and then there's a classic villain making a return -- the Cybermen.

Nicola Bryan as Peri

The Cybermen don't enjoy the iconic status of the Daleks, but I'm glad they've managed to hang on through the years and keep coming back. Like many of my generation, and younger I suspect, I wasn't familiar with the Troughton and Hartnell Cybermen stories, they were never broadcast on PBS, as far as I know, so I was ignorant of the history the Doctor had with the planet Telos in The Tomb of the Cybermen when Attack originally aired. Having seen Tomb in the meantime, it added to the experience of re-watching this story knowing that history of the hibernating Cybermen ripping through the sheeting of their tombs. (Some cybermats would've been a nice addition though.)

It's worth giving Maurice Colbourne's performance as Lytton another mention. He really is quite good, turning in one of the finest non-companion supporting roles in the series history. The Doctor's description of him as (I'll have to paraphrase because I'm not finding the quote and didn't write it down) 'tall, dark, lean, and looking as if he'd be willing to shoot his own mother just to keep his trigger finger supple', is remarkably accurate, despite its flourish.

Lytton tortured by the Cyberment was bit more bloody
realism than we were used to seeing on Doctor Who

It's difficult to recommend the 80s shows to those who didn't grow up with them. Even to my forgiving ears and eyes, they often look and sound awful. The production values were cheap and dated even when they were new, and they haven't aged well. (WTF was that Halley's Comet graphic anyways?! Could they not find an actual picture of a comet to base it on? That lousy comet pissed me off back then and didn't make me any less angry today. If you're going to go to the trouble of showing the comet, at least have an idea what a comet looks like. Seriously, a 6-year-old could've done better.) There's a charm and quality to the 60s and 70s era productions that, while still dated and noticeably not expensive, gives them a low-fi charm. That said, this is definitely a story I'd recommend to a fan of the new series looking to learn about the classic series beyond Tom Baker and as a DVD keeper for fans of the classic series that might be struggling to recall it.

The Android Invasion: "Is that finger loaded?"

BBC - Doctor Who Classic Episode Guide - The Android Invasion - Index

Season 13, Story 4 (Overall Series Story #83) | Previous - Next | Index

Here we find, sandwiched between two of my all-time favorite stories, a dud. There's just no sugar-coating it.

When this disc emerged into my anticipatory mitts from it's xmas wrapping paper, my eyes lit up. A story I don't remember very well at all ... with Sarah Jane! The return of Harry Sullivan and Sergeant Benton! I couldn't wait to pop it in and kick back with some old school goodness. Turns out there's a very good reason these files were overwritten in my memory banks. Dammit if I wasn't leaving the room to empty the dishwasher, and later to pop some popcorn, without bothering to pause. Wasn't overly concerned I might miss some more running around in the woods, or some more running around the abandoned town, or some more stone-faced actors being boring androids.

Pull my finger.

And those androids, it felt like we were being served insufficiently reheated Auton left-overs, right down to their fingertip pistols, the poor man's version of the Autons' hand weapons. Also not living up to the original: the replacement for unavailable Nicholas Courtney. Bummer to see the Brigadier's name on the door, but to find Col. Faraday sitting at his desk.

The only remotely interesting scene that didn't feature Tom Baker (it will go without saying in future posts, I trust, that Baker's charisma translating to the screen is to be assumed unless otherwise contraindicated) was when android Harry Sullivan had Sarah Jane strapped into the brain analyzing contraption to make her android copy. That at least felt a little disturbing/menacing. The other tiniest bit of entertainment value from this one was a during one of the aformentioned running-around-the-forest scenes when the Tom Baker lets go of a branch that swats poor Lis Sladen and makes her chuckle. It feels like something that should have been an out-take, and actually took me out of the story because it was clearly Lis Sladen laughing, not the character Sarah Jane, but I'm glad it was left in, even if it was due to rushed shooting and/or lazy editing, because ... well, we'll never see a new, genuine Lis Sladen smile again, so it's like a little Easter Egg in the episode.

The alien baddies in this one, the Kraal, had an invasion scheme so cockamamie and impractical it defies explanation. The less said about it the better. All I'll remember them for is looking vaguely like proto-Ferengi.

The way the Kraal brow-ridges transition into
ears ...

My recommendation to anyone who might be watching the Fourth Doctor stories for the first time is to watch the preceding story, Pyramids of Mars, and then the one that follows, The Brain of Morbius, and skip this one until you've got nothing left of the old series to watch but Sylvester McCoy era stuff, and only then squeeze this one in.

Nightmare of Eden: "Oh ... my arms ... my legs ... my everything!"

BBC - Doctor Who Classic Episode Guide - Nightmare of Eden - Index

Season 17, Story 4 (Complete Series Story #107) | Previous - Next | Index

Visiting with a friend recently, watching some classic Who, I was struck by how much my memories had gotten mashed around, especially of shows I hadn't seen in a while (some, perhaps, since they first aired on PBS decades ago). As much to make these viewings fixed points in time, less subject to the vagaries of memory, as to make recommendations to watch, buy, or skip I'm going to make a more concerted effort to write up my reviews/reactions to the ones I watch going forward as soon as possible after viewing. I'm starting this effort too late for the last several viewings, not the least of which is The Snowmen ... I'll catch up on to that one soon enough ... but I'll circle back around until they've all got a write up. The page for each story's review will be kept in chronological order here.

Nightmare is emblematic of the Fourth Doctor's long run in total: brilliant in spots, tedious for stretches, but carried always by Tom Baker's charm, as abundant and ever-present as his distinctive curls and toothy smile. Watching this one, I was struck by how there's a reason we don't really wax nostalgic, as you would think we might, for the script stewardship of Douglas Adams. Adams will be fondly remembered for as one of our most witty, humanist, even philosophic authors, but I don't think we put his time working on Doctor Who at the top of his CV. Certainly his influence shows, and where it does it's for the better, but too many missteps one wishes an editor would have corrected plague this script, and many of the others of his era.

Daker (right) as Capt. Rigg.  Post-Irongron.
(And never was Geoffrey Palmer.)

My touchstone for remembering this story will be OMG DRUGS ARE BAD AND IF YOU EVEN DO ONE DRUG IT WILL DESTROY YOUR WORLD. Now, I don't mind thinly-veiled allegories and the outright use of contemporary issues in a futuristic sci-fi story when it's done right -- I'm thinking of the best episodes of BSG just a few years back -- but when it's just the relentless pounding of schoolmarmish values via straw men, I'm left cold. As the captain* of the cruise ship (see the synopsis in the linked episode guide for background) descends into drug-fueled, manic psychosis, the episode became almost intolerably tone deaf.

Lalla Ward's Romana is one of the under-rated companions, and she's quite good in this one, despite some horrendous wardrobe choices. K-9 is (disappointingly) voice-acted by someone other than John Leeson in this one and that takes all the fun out of it.

In this one, the "monsters" are not the villains, so we've got the somewhat comical disco-legged, clam shell-faced Mandrels shambling around with their arms up, unfrighteningly (and mostly off-screen, mercifully) killing some of the crew and the economy-class passengers simply because they escaped from an ill-conceived zoo of sorts, where they were being transported to be converted into big, bad drug the story is so concerned with. I may have gotten a little sleepy and dozed briefly because I don't remember how they were the drug -- if it was their blood or venom or urine or some such thing. Whatever. Anyways, it's (spoiler alert) ... Tryst, who is our main villain and he's entertaining enough if only for his funky sunglasses and his over-the-top accent.

Mandrel attack!

This isn't an episode you'd want to use to introduce someone to the classic series with; but, it has enough of Tom Baker's wit and charm, a few comedic touches that work, and some camp value, enough to make it worth revisiting if you're a long-time fan, or if you've already seen the best of Tom Baker and now are looking to expand into the more dubious stories just for something different.


* The whole episode I found myself reminded of Lionel from As Time Goes By, and meant to check whether the actor, David Daker, was a relative of Geoffrey Palmer. I learned later Mr. Daker had another Doctor Who credit (Irongron, a much better role, in The Time Warrior -- another recent watch I'll be writing up soon) and several appearances in shows with Mr. Palmer, but I see no indication they are related. I'll go out on a limb and guess by their accents that they are, if not from the same city or town, came about their accents (same to my ear) either by living in the same area for some time, or both "do" whatever that accent is ... West Midlands? They look so similar though, they've got to be distant cousins of some kind.  

The Cryptonaut-in-Exile 2012 Year in Review

Click for full-size image because I am bad at design.

Despite the late October pummeling of the Northeastern US by Hurricane/Superstorm Sandy, 2012 ended not with series of world-ending disasters, but with a single, tragic event that rocked us to our core: the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT.

It wasn't the only massacre of the year perpetrated by a damaged young man; similar stories played out at a movie theater in Colorado, a Sikh temple in Wisconsin, a mall in Oregon and on a smaller scale all across the country as American opened holes in other Americans with tools specifically designed for that purpose -- exactly as their manufacturers, and the powerful lobbying group that represents those manufacturers, intended.

2012 may be the year the tide turned and we collectively said, enough is e-fucking-nough loud enough for even our craven, dimwitted, and beholden elected officials to hear. Well, the dimwits (we'll use Louis Gohmert as the poster boy for this crowd, though he's got plenty of comrades-in-arms, as it were) clearly didn't hear; they're still out there arguing against evidence and reason that the answer to our ongoing crisis of gun violence is more guns, everywhere, and with minimal accountability because the Gohmerts of the world are profoundly ignorant, morally retarded, and unaccountable for their simple-minded bloodlust.

Trayvon Martin was also gunned down earlier this year courtesy of Florida's (insane) Stand Your Ground law as practiced by a chickenshit grown man who was so terrified of a kid in a hoodie with some Skittles in his pocket that he felt his only recourse was to open fire on the unarmed teen after harassing him.

How many other people died of gunshot wounds this year? Is it in the the thousands? How many died in accidental and negligent discharges where there was no malice or forethought? (And why is it so hard to get data?) It's certainly more than the number of people who successfully defended themselves or their property with a firearm, which will come as a big surprise to a few of my old high school buddies -- the ones suffering from Obama Derangement Syndrome peppering my timeline with cherry-picked stories of heroic gunslingers.

I scanned my list of posts for the year and the one that was most viewed also happened to be a tragic story of a shooting death, one of the accidental/negligent variety -- one I bet you couldn't name the victim in. She was Hannah Kelly. Ring a bell? No? Well, she's the young lady who was shot and killed in church because her fiancée was trying to buy a gun there and it accidentally went off during the transaction. Her father, by the way, is the pastor of the church where the incident happened. And still, when tragedies like these occur, some of the loudest voices are those of relentless sociopaths with theocratic dreams blaming secularism for their imaginary (sociopathic) deity's judgment on the victims. 

We had a Presidential election this year, but the outcome was never really in doubt (to anyone paying attention and not enthralled by the blinkered ideology of the oligarchy) and the outcome probably only mattered because it means there is less chance incompetent ideologues will be appointed to life terms on the Supreme Court than would have been otherwise.

We may look back and remember there was a fever dream of a scandal about the attack on our embassy in Benghazi. The real story was the death of our people over there and how slipshod our defenses were, thanks in large part to those same Republicans who hypocritically railed against the administration after voting against the proper funding of embassy security.

The ongoing saga of the Republican party's inability to restrain and contain it's darkest, most misogynistic tendencies as expressed by the troglodytes they couldn't muzzle fast enough will need to be remembered, because that's by no means done playing out. 

Our LGBT friends and family won on some fronts, lost on others, but on the whole it looks like we past a tipping point and our better natures are starting to recognize the humanity and rights of what had been one of the last minority groups it was still socially acceptable to openly hate and discriminate against. Here in North Carolina, the reactionary, bigoted, and fearful element of society managed to enshrine their hatred in our state's constitution by winning the battle over Amendment One, but the rest of can take heart by looking around the country and seeing more progressive states moving forward. 

Divided, ridden with bullet holes, facing the sacrifice of the financial security of working people on the altar of continued tax cuts for the wealthy the American body politic staggers forward. I'm reminded of Taco, when I think of us as a collective, performing a suicide scrote before Rafi (the embodiment of the American Conservative movement) can cock-punch us himself.

2012, you made me feel like Ruxin ...

After writing this and creating my timeline, someone set a house on fire and then shot at and killed two firefighters who responded to the blaze. I don't want to sink any more time into that graphic, but I'll remember next year to wait before saving ... and to make it the right size in the first place.