Tuesday, February 6, 2001

The Movie Of My Life

Have you ever thought about the movie about your life that some great director should be making? That sleazebag, Larry Flynt, got one … don’t you deserve one? I know I do. Who would direct it? Who’d play you?

For my story, I think I’d need a director deft at taking the mundane and finding the “hidden” drama/comedy in it. I think Bill (“Local Hero”) Forsythe might be able to do me justice. If he were unavailable, I think I’d pitch it to Jim (“A Night on Earth”/”Ghost Dog”) Jarmusch. He’s a bit of a space case and I don’t think I’d want to be on set and listen to his artsy, hokum-speak, but he turns out some good flix. He might not like the working title, "C-Dog", after having made "Ghost Dog", on account of not wanting to be stereotyped as a “Dog” director.

The big thing though is: who plays me? That’s a tough call. I think Duchovny might be able to pull it off, but he looks a little “weasely,” if you know what I mean. I think I might have to play myself. I like Peter Falk or Jeremy (the BBC’s Sherlock Holmes) Brett to play me in my old age. The young C-Dog is the hardest to cast. Haley (“I see dead people.”) Osment would be an obvious candidate, but child actors, not to malign the art, all seem pretty much the same. I think you could take pretty much any kid off the street, skinny with brown hair, and he’d fill the bill. It might be a little avant-garde, but I think it might be interesting to have the young me played by a chimpanzee with the voice dubbed in by a talented voice actor like James Doohan. I have some cruelty to animals based reservations about using a chimp though, so maybe it would be best to use the dead people kid, or, an animatronic chimp. It’s a toss-up.

The script, well, I think I’d have to work on that. I’d bring Christopher McQuarrie in to help, but I’d need final say.

Supporting characters:
Dat: Jackie Chan, with Garret Wang of Voyager as his understudy.
Mega: an orangutuan, animatronic.
Dionne: Benicio Del Toro.
Neil: Conan O’Brien.
Bea Fargo: Britney Spears.
Sean: Benny ‘The Jet’ Urquidez.
Desrosiers: Chris Rock.

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